Grief has taken me places my heart and soul never visited before. It has taken me into the darkest of holes and back up into the light, at times. I have done things I am not proud of and retreated away from life and parenting in ways that have been less than healthy. There have been times that I have felt so ripped to shreds that I did not know if I would survive. I remember walking into my house when I got back from your memorial service in Portland; collapsing in tears when I saw my oldest daughter, realizing that you would never see my girls grow up. Knowing that you would not be here to share this crazy life made me feel lost and afraid.
From the first time I saw you standing in that hallway of our first apartment with your parents, I knew that we would be friends. Our friendship grew that first year in college, and then waned when I was lost in a relationship that was full of turmoil. We would always re-connect and grow with each other, even after we both had times of absence, stuck in our own traumas and scared to reach out to each other. Even in painful times, we knew how to make each other laugh, to listen, and to reflect love to each other. Ours was a deep friendship ,borne of pain, that grew stronger as the years went by. You 'got' me in a way that no-one else could.
Since you've been gone, I have suffered the loss of my dad to dementia, career issues, trauma with parenting, the loss of our beloved family cabin and much more. Every time I am going through something big, either good or bad, I miss you. I miss being able to call you up on the phone. I miss the realities that you would reflect back to me. I miss the fact that you could always show me my 'goodness' even when I was feeling horrible about myself. Your friendship taught me to love; to open my heart. When you left, I felt that heart shut down. It is still hard for me to open my heart again because it was beyond painful to lose you. I don't know that my heart could deal with that kind of pain again. But, it has and it will because life is impermanent and death happens.
The weekend you disappeared, I called your house to talk to you. Your partner's mom answered the phone. There was something odd in her tone and she said that your partner would call me later. I got off the phone confused. On a beautiful, slightly windy February morning, your partner called me and told me you were missing. My mind reeled in confusion. For three weeks, I held out hope that you would be found alive. But, Sunday night in late February, your partner called and told me your body had been found in Laurelhurst Park in a pond. My mind shut down and I immediately booked a flight to Portland. I had just suffered one of the biggest losses of my life. Even 7 years later, there are no answers to what happened. And there probably never will be.
7 years later, I still sob thinking about it. Your loss can hit me just as hard 7 years later as it did that Sunday in February. I've learned that grieving is a spiral; sometimes there is peace and gratitude and other times, there is anger, pain, and deep sadness. I've learned that friends that you make in shared grief can distance themselves and rip the scab off the wound with their absence. I've learned how very loved you were by many; how you affected everyone from your work to your personal life. I've learned that a deep friendship like ours is rare and that many don't understand the deep love that friends can feel for one another. I consider you my soul sister, as much a part of my family as my blood relatives. Your loss hit me so hard that it took at least 5 years for me to get a grip on it, to stop constantly numbing myself and decide to live.
Every year, I dread this month, the month of your death. I long to be enlightened, to celebrate who you were and not be so sad about your loss and the lack of answers surrounding your death. But, I always find myself grieving. The spirals are not as long and the moments of peace are longer, but the sadness hits hard sometimes and all I can do is feel it.
I know that you are not gone my friend. You are inside of me every day. You are in nature, in your most beloved place, the place where you found so much peace from a world that was sometimes full of turmoil. You enriched my life in so many ways. I will never forget your keen intellect, your long detailed stories, your laughter, your stubbornness, your rage, your quest for justice for the young and vulnerable, your unconditional love and so much more. Our friendship is irreplaceable. I will always miss you, but you will always be in my heart. This journey of life, no matter where it takes me, will always be traveled hand in hand with you, my soul friend.
:'( ((((((((Alison)))))))))
ReplyDelete