Trauma's Long Term Wounding

Several months ago, I was embroiled in a bit of a family drama. I received a vicious e-mail from a cousin, who I do not know, about one of my blog posts.  This blog post expressed my love for experiences we had at our beloved family cabin, but also expressed hurt that the cabin was gone.  Having someone completely belittle my experience and viciously attack me about a heartfelt blog post, made me sick and sad. Knowing that 'family' could be this heartless and unkind made me sick to my stomach.  It also triggered old traumas, old hurts.

Since rape and domestic violence in my late teens and early 20's, I have suffered from PTSD.  More than 20 years later, at times, I expect this hurt, this pain, that I carry deep within my body, to be gone.  I often don't realize how easily triggered I am, nor recognize when I begin to shut down.  The e-mail that I received and the actions of other family members in this same clan made me question myself, made me shut down and hide.  I felt overwhelmed and felt that I had  no worth.  The same feelings and insidious messages my abuser had instilled in me.  I recently read that one symptom of PTSD is the feeling that your world is about to fall down around you at any moment.  One trigger can set me into this feeling and throw me into complete panic. With the events that happened back in February, I have slowly begun to realize how easily I am still triggered.  Abuse and trauma never completely go away. 

Many traditions and philosophies have a message of 'acceptance', of learning to accept those things we cannot change. This philosophy, while helpful for some, can be harmful at times for those of us who have suffered from abuse.  When we have the type of body trauma and anxiety that comes from deeply abusive and invasive experiences, it is really hard to accept those things we cannot change.  It can take years to heal from traumatic experiences and jumping to 'acceptance' or 'forgiveness' can, at times, suppress the real healing that comes from feeling the rage, the sadness, and  the loss of innocence and trust.

With each trigger, I learn that my trauma lies deep within my body, mind and spirit. I wonder about the very public victims we have heard about the past year: the women who were raped by Cosby, the young victims of Josh Duggar, the many victims of campus rape, the ex-wife of Bill O'Reilly, and more.  How are they faring? Are they easily triggered?   Do they shy away from intimacy and struggle with this many years later? Do they have a hard time trusting anyone? Do they carry their trauma as wounds to their souls and have they been given a chance to heal?  My heart hurts for them. This long term hurting and healing is often forgotten in discussions about sexual and domestic violence.  Media doesn't focus on the fact that abuse is a wound on the victims' soul, a wound that can be re-opened, that can refuse to heal.  Sometimes, they talk about the hypocrisy of the perpetrator, but we forget that years later, there are still victims of these crimes that are facing ongoing life-changing hurt.

I also feel deep sympathy for 'public' victims as they not only have their own trauma from the abuse, they are also re-traumatized by people in the media who minimize their pain.  The media has been rife with examples of this cultural need to require victims to shut up, accept, forgive and move on. We hear public figures call abuse ' a mistake' while trying to minimize the impact, the deep hurt that the victims are subject to for the rest of their lives. My call to the media, to public figures who speak out, is to think before you speak, think of the victim and the trauma they endure and then re-endure when their abuse is made public by choice or by chance.  My call to all of us is to be kind, to think about the impact that your mere words can have on someones life, be it a nasty e-mail or a hateful comment on social media.  There are so many of us out here, wounded and trying to heal.  We could do with more compassion and a little less judgment and denial.

I feel my trauma deep in my mind, my body and soul.  I have worked hard to heal.  But, that trauma is still there, at times, lurking beneath the surface. Sometimes I don't even recognize it when my wound is re-opened and raw. This wound is not visible to the outside, but it is there nonetheless. There are millions of us walking around with similar wounds that at times become infected and life threatening be it through suppression and minimization of pain or through new abusive and hurtful experiences.  All of us need to do more to prevent our lives and our children's lives from being shattered by abuse.  We need to stand up to those who want to shut us up, who want to deny our experience.  As we all work to prevent and heal from abuse, we need to hold our hearts open for others who are hurt and wounded.  Remember that our trauma is a long term wound and that we must be gentle with ourselves to move forward.  Together, we can heal, grow, and work towards a world where abuse is rare, not common, and those traumatized are supported, not suppressed and re-traumatized. 

Addiction: Looking Deeper

Since my teen years, I have fought a battle between doing what I know is 'healthy' for me and doing things that I know are decidedly not.  What is it about some of us humans that we yearn for those moments of peace and calm that certain substances and behaviors give us even when we know they are killing us? Whether it be killing our body and our minds with alcohol, nicotine or other drugs or killing our minds with endless gaming and TV watching, many of us cannot stop  that call to escape 'reality'.

Those of us that are on that razor thin line between the two choices are often judged for not trying hard enough.  Others are baffled at why one continues behaviors that harm themselves and sometimes others. They are appalled at those who deal with grave health consequences while continuing the substance that is causing the problem.   Many assume, wrongly, that one form of 'treatment' should fit for everyone and those who are not helped by the treatment are not working hard enough or doing it right.  Others assume, also wrongly, that someone should just be able to quit with no problem.  They have no idea the internal pain that people go through; the strong internal desire to live coupled with the equally strong desire to numb while slowly dying.

I ponder why some of us can commit to being healthy and go for it with no problem.  I ponder why a very large percentage of people quit addictions like alcohol and cigarettes with absolutely no support or help when some of us can't seem to figure it out even when we do have support and resources to quit. I ponder why some of us easily embrace programs and groups that work for us, while some of us can't help but look at those programs with a cynical distrust that diminishes their value to us. 

Growing older, I have watched people struggle with horrible addiction only to be 'scared straight' by near death experiences or brushes with the law.  They seem to brush themselves on and move on, never seeming to crave the drug that was killing them before.  I have watched people with horrible addictions benefit from 12 step programs that truly transform their lives.  Conversely, I have seen people who are 'in' and 'out' of 12 step programs, never seeming to commit to health and sobriety.  I have seen people truly look at their addictions and rid themselves of their addiction by discovering what works for them, be it therapy, in-depth trauma work, and even finding healthy hobbies. 

I ponder my big heart, my depression, my sadness, my anger, my empathy.  I realize that all of those things have led me to substances that help me 'escape' from this world.  My journey has led me from 'alternative' therapies, traditional therapies and various support and 12 step groups.  In many cases, all of these things have 'helped' in their way.  Still, I cannot seem to fully commit myself to completely ridding myself of self destructive behaviors.  Somehow, I still have that addict thought in my head that the benefits outweigh the risks. With a substance like tobacco, we all know that thinking is ridiculous! For those of us addicted to substances, there is also the overwhelming fear of the pain of detox.  Although I am not actively engaged in old addictions like eating disorders or alcoholism, I am still a slave to a substance.  And that thought is incredibly frustrating! 

I wonder what the answer is for myself and others.  And I realize, from watching people die or slowly kill themselves and from watching people get sober and thrive that the answer lies within each person.  We must let go of the idea that there is 'one' answer for treating addiction.  Behind addiction is trauma, is fear, is mental illness, is sadness, is self hatred, and more.  Addressing those core issues or not, holds the key to life and moving forward.  Addiction holds a different message for each of us and the trick is trying to overcome the physical hold of addiction while also addressing the reasons hidden underneath it.

For me, the learning continues.  Each of my major addictions carried some major growth when I finally decided to heal and address them. It is my hope, for me and others, that people see addiction for what it is, instead of seeing it as a moral failing and look at addicts with compassion, instead of judgment.  Perhaps my biggest hope and observation traveling this path is that we need to open our minds and hearts to different options of helping people; that we no longer assume someone wasn't 'working' hard enough if something didn't work for them.  If we cannot open our minds to many options, instead of few, people will continue dying horrible deaths from addiction. For myself, I hope that I can continue to learn to be present in this world without feeling the need to escape, the urge to destruct.