Today is January 20, 2017. The day of the inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States. I have not written a blog post in over a year. But, today, I feel the need to write something, to say something.
Since the election, I have felt heartsick. My body actually mirrored this emotional heartache by becoming more fatigued, in pain and depressed than I have ever been in my entire life. For those who know me, that's a bit of a frightening thought as I almost died from depression 30 years ago this spring.
I hurt. I hurt for my daughters. All three of us have fought to recover from the legacy of abuse and manipulation by someone who has manipulated, neglected and emotionally abused them all of their lives, and me, most of my adult life. Even though my contact is completely limited with him, he still haunts me.
As I have written before, our trauma lives. Our trauma lives in the daily severe physical and mental sickness of my oldest daughter. Our trauma lives in my pain, in my fatigue, in my inability to be vulnerable, to open my heart to others when I need to. Our trauma lives in my youngest in ways I probably do not know or understand, because she has chosen to push forward in life with single minded positive determination.
And now, we have elected someone who reminds us so much of this abuse and manipulation we have endured. My ex may be on the fringes of society, but he shares many characteristics of Donald Trump. The belief of being 'special' or unique, the entitled attitudes, the inability to self reflect and instead blame others for their problems, envy, and emotional manipulation are all characteristics they both share. Additionally, my own history of sexual violence is triggered by Trump's many attitudes, comments and actions towards women.
I dreamt last night of one of my heroes, the poet, Andrea Gibson, someone who gives voice to all of these issues in ways I can never dream of doing. Perhaps it was my subsconscious pushing me forward into greater creativity, telling me how to fight this very real threat that is upon us today. I know that both of my girls also have deep wells of incredible creativity within them. All of us, with our collective creativity can fight this threat if only we can avoid succumbing to escapism and fight with all of our creative hearts.
When the three of us see our new President, we can't help but be triggered as millions of other men and women probably are also triggered. But, I know all of us cannot be broken by this. So many of us have suffered at the hands of a narcissist and survived and sometimes thrived in amazing and courageous ways. Others of us have given up. For those voiceless ones who are out there and feeling hopeless. I stand with you. I am you. But, somehow deep inside I know we can all find the hope and the courage to get through this just have we have learned to get through and confront our own abuse. We must push forward and figure out healthy ways to resist, to confront abuse when we see it and keep working towards a healthier future for everyone; a future that includes a societal recognition of the deep wrongs of abuse and a commitment to NEVER let another abuser rule our country, be it in Congresss, the presidency, or local government. We cannot excuse this, we cannot normalize this, and we will not be silent.
