My friend. Will this day or other triggering days in February ever change for me? Ten years later, I can still feel absolutely gutted by your loss. You were more than a friend to me, you were a soul sister. And I know that I will never have that kind of bond with another human. This has made me feel completely unmoored since the day I knew you were gone.
The days go on. I have lived 10 years of life since you died. 10 years filled with other kinds of losses and other joys. I have lived these 10 years with your friendship, only one sided and in my head. I have ‘felt’ your presence at times and dreamt about you.
The memories bring me joy at times and laughter. I miss that shared history and with you, I miss it a lot, because your memory for details was always much better than mine. You were a consummate storyteller who brought vivid detail into the minds of those who you were sharing the story with.
Grief has often gutted me and led me into many dark paths where I have come close to being completely lost. My lifetime propensity towards depression has often been triggered by the grieving of you and the grieving of the other losses I have experienced since your death. I do believe that all of this has taken a physical toll as well and I sometimes wonder how much more of a ‘toll’ I can handle.
It is almost impossible to describe this grief journey in words. Somehow, I have managed to make it this far without you. I have tried to live in a way you would have been proud of, but have fallen short many times. There are things I have done that I know you would have been just shaking your head at, but I did them anyway. (not much different than when you were alive)
I love you, my friend. Although you were a super private person, many other people now know how much I love you every single year to the point that many on social media surely want to unfriend me due to my many maudlin grief posts.
I try to honor you by being present with my kids. By truly enjoying the natural world in spite of my physical issues. By loving books as much as you did. By being a friend to others when I can be.
Your friendship taught me more than anything, the value of friendship. Being a good friend is a lifelong ‘value’ of mine, but one that is so difficult to fulfill due to my physical and emotional limitations the past few years. I want to be the kind of friend you were to me. To listen to who each person is and reflect back to them the ‘truths’ that they know inside but sometimes refuse to listen to. To be a friend who helps others see their own worth when they can’t see their own. To be able to laugh together with someone to help things seem just a little bit lighter. To touch and love people the way you loved me.
The ironic thing is that type of trust and friendship is so hard when you lose someone suddenly. Your loss ripped out a chunk of my heart that will never grow back. And shut down parts of it that are still very hard to open again.
I wish that you were here to know my 4 crazy dogs, to see the amazing humans my daughters have become and so much more. But you’re not and acceptance will never be there, but I am just learning to carry the pain somehow and keep living.
