Addiction: Looking Deeper

Since my teen years, I have fought a battle between doing what I know is 'healthy' for me and doing things that I know are decidedly not.  What is it about some of us humans that we yearn for those moments of peace and calm that certain substances and behaviors give us even when we know they are killing us? Whether it be killing our body and our minds with alcohol, nicotine or other drugs or killing our minds with endless gaming and TV watching, many of us cannot stop  that call to escape 'reality'.

Those of us that are on that razor thin line between the two choices are often judged for not trying hard enough.  Others are baffled at why one continues behaviors that harm themselves and sometimes others. They are appalled at those who deal with grave health consequences while continuing the substance that is causing the problem.   Many assume, wrongly, that one form of 'treatment' should fit for everyone and those who are not helped by the treatment are not working hard enough or doing it right.  Others assume, also wrongly, that someone should just be able to quit with no problem.  They have no idea the internal pain that people go through; the strong internal desire to live coupled with the equally strong desire to numb while slowly dying.

I ponder why some of us can commit to being healthy and go for it with no problem.  I ponder why a very large percentage of people quit addictions like alcohol and cigarettes with absolutely no support or help when some of us can't seem to figure it out even when we do have support and resources to quit. I ponder why some of us easily embrace programs and groups that work for us, while some of us can't help but look at those programs with a cynical distrust that diminishes their value to us. 

Growing older, I have watched people struggle with horrible addiction only to be 'scared straight' by near death experiences or brushes with the law.  They seem to brush themselves on and move on, never seeming to crave the drug that was killing them before.  I have watched people with horrible addictions benefit from 12 step programs that truly transform their lives.  Conversely, I have seen people who are 'in' and 'out' of 12 step programs, never seeming to commit to health and sobriety.  I have seen people truly look at their addictions and rid themselves of their addiction by discovering what works for them, be it therapy, in-depth trauma work, and even finding healthy hobbies. 

I ponder my big heart, my depression, my sadness, my anger, my empathy.  I realize that all of those things have led me to substances that help me 'escape' from this world.  My journey has led me from 'alternative' therapies, traditional therapies and various support and 12 step groups.  In many cases, all of these things have 'helped' in their way.  Still, I cannot seem to fully commit myself to completely ridding myself of self destructive behaviors.  Somehow, I still have that addict thought in my head that the benefits outweigh the risks. With a substance like tobacco, we all know that thinking is ridiculous! For those of us addicted to substances, there is also the overwhelming fear of the pain of detox.  Although I am not actively engaged in old addictions like eating disorders or alcoholism, I am still a slave to a substance.  And that thought is incredibly frustrating! 

I wonder what the answer is for myself and others.  And I realize, from watching people die or slowly kill themselves and from watching people get sober and thrive that the answer lies within each person.  We must let go of the idea that there is 'one' answer for treating addiction.  Behind addiction is trauma, is fear, is mental illness, is sadness, is self hatred, and more.  Addressing those core issues or not, holds the key to life and moving forward.  Addiction holds a different message for each of us and the trick is trying to overcome the physical hold of addiction while also addressing the reasons hidden underneath it.

For me, the learning continues.  Each of my major addictions carried some major growth when I finally decided to heal and address them. It is my hope, for me and others, that people see addiction for what it is, instead of seeing it as a moral failing and look at addicts with compassion, instead of judgment.  Perhaps my biggest hope and observation traveling this path is that we need to open our minds and hearts to different options of helping people; that we no longer assume someone wasn't 'working' hard enough if something didn't work for them.  If we cannot open our minds to many options, instead of few, people will continue dying horrible deaths from addiction. For myself, I hope that I can continue to learn to be present in this world without feeling the need to escape, the urge to destruct.