Still Angry

There is a lot to be angry about.  A mental health system that is so broken that it rarely helps people recover and at best helps people maintain 'stability' instead of pushing people to be their fullest selves regardless of diagnosis.  A healthcare system that is still broken; that puts profits before people and doctors are unable to spend quality time with patients, often missing critical details that could mean life or death.  A pervading racism that is rarely acknowledged or often vehemently denied.  Rape culture persists; making the victims 'suspect' while perpetrators are given standing ovations. And these are just a few things that make my blood boil, that make me want to scream, hide or run away.  They are things that seem so large that it is easy to throw in the towel and just say it is all too much to even think about.

Personally, I re-cycle through my anger at myself for things I have done that hurt people.  I continually spiral through my anger at others who have hurt me.  Sometimes I think I have found something like 'forgiveness', only to have that old anger hit me again with surprising force.  The events in my life that caused the most trauma stick with me; the feelings don't just go away. Not surprisingly, one of the feelings that comes with all of these traumas is anger. It is a part of my being that I can't seem to erase by either 'healthy' or 'unhealthy' means.  The dream of lasting forgiveness, towards myself, towards others, seems out of reach much of the time.

Our culture has a strange relationship with anger.  Much of our self-help psychology professes avoiding and getting rid of anger.  In the Big Book of Alcoholic's Anonymous, Bill W. says 'If we were to live. We had to be free of anger'.  This is just one example of many similar sentiments that have popped up in the past century as 'pop psychology' has gained a foothold in our culture.  It is hard to escape hearing statements like 'let it go', 'it is what it is' and 'forgive and forget'.  My experience says that much of the time these statements are said when the 'listener' feels uncomfortable with a feeling being expressed to them.  It seems we have a deep and abiding discomfort with the sharing of almost any emotion; especially anger.

I wonder at the root of all this avoidance of feeling.  Could it be that we are taught to deny our feelings so that we can be more subservient in a culture that is far from just?  Could it be that the teachings on suppression of anger have taken away our revolutionary thought and instead, promoted endless navel gazing?  Could the diagnosis of almost any extreme emotion as an 'illness' cause suppression and despair?  Could this avoidance of feeling actually create violence and hopelessness by making us so terrified of our emotions that we don't know how to cope except to turn it against ourselves or others? 

Our rapid media cycle gives us a plethora of issues to be angry about for brief time periods until the next issue.  Sometimes, this anger comes out in comments on social media and even attacks against other people.  It's easy to hide behind a computer and spout out hurtful anger when you don't have to face any consequence of it.  What if we could learn to transform our anger into real social change instead of easy reactionary anger that does not help anyone?

In order to do this we need to be willing to be uncomfortable and open our hearts to other views, even when they make us angry.  Anger seems like a healthy response to an often unjust world.  If we can learn to speak out, utilizing our feelings as fuel, we can open people's hearts, helping them see things in ways that they hadn't before.  Beyond speaking out about the things that make us angry, we also need to act to change this world that sometimes hurts our hearts so very much.

I am a strong believer in the quote 'if you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention'.  I am often guilty of seething in my anger, letting it take up my time and energy towards no useful end.   As I grow older, I learn that I want to use my anger as fuel; fuel to write about the things that anger me and educate people to facilitate real change.  I want to use my anger to soften my heart. Sometimes all I can do is feel without judging or trying to extinguish it.  When, I have the courage to feel, I can turn my anger into something productive.  We all need to have that courage, to open our hearts, feel, and most importantly, move to change the many things that are unacceptable in this world.