When I was 14 years old my world changed. My coach was arrested for statutory rape. My world shattered. He was a man who I spent hours of my life with, who I looked up to, loved and respected. Innocence was lost. No longer could I trust my instincts. It did not help that I soon found out that many knew, but, I was one of those who didn't, who was completely blindsided. I was sickened and sad and had nowhere to turn. The next year I almost starved to death. My psychiatrist in the mental hospital I was in at 16 assumed that my trauma was somehow linked to my coach and would try to get me to admit abuse. The problem was I was never abused by my coach, but the trauma of losing my innocence, of losing someone I looked up to had wounded me deeply. The clueless psychiatrist refused to see that sexual violence has vicarious victims. Writing about it now, almost thirty years later makes my palms sweat and fills me with anxiety. These traumas hold on to us.
As vicarious victims of this crime, we spent hours of our lives year round with this coach. From him, we learned a lifelong passion and life lessons. It was hard to grasp that he had done something wrong. It was stunning and sad. For some, these feelings made them lash out at the victim with great vigor. I remember being baffled by this also. They could not grasp that this figure that they loved could do something wrong, or that it was wrong to have sex with a minor, and even more so when you are in a position of power. Many made the victim the 'wrong' one in this case. It was a case of extreme bullying which I am sad to say I did not speak out against, but only watched in silence.
Watching this ostracism and bullying taught me that it was extremely frightening and isolating to report a rape. It kept me from reporting my rape my first year in college. Perhaps if the adults in our lives would have been more open, would have come out and talked to us about how wrong it was, maybe things would have been different. The victim left our school and life went on. All of us shell shocked and unsure how to process what we had been through, we just pushed forward. I don't know if anyone realized how traumatized we were, how much losing our sense of safety and trust affected us. We learned to vilify the victim of this crime and to silently cope with our conflicting emotions in sometimes destructive ways.
Watching this ostracism and bullying taught me that it was extremely frightening and isolating to report a rape. It kept me from reporting my rape my first year in college. Perhaps if the adults in our lives would have been more open, would have come out and talked to us about how wrong it was, maybe things would have been different. The victim left our school and life went on. All of us shell shocked and unsure how to process what we had been through, we just pushed forward. I don't know if anyone realized how traumatized we were, how much losing our sense of safety and trust affected us. We learned to vilify the victim of this crime and to silently cope with our conflicting emotions in sometimes destructive ways.
Unfortunately, I have seen this same type of victim bullying in the Cosby case. For me, these very public rape cases have triggered me and filled me with anger when I see victims blamed yet again. When Camille Cosby compared her husband's rapes to the UVA rape case and said that the UVA rape case 'proved untrue', she was bullying that victim. I felt sick for the victim in that case as Rolling Stone's poor journalism has thrown her story into question and people are now throwing it out there as an example of false rape reporting. Camille Cosby is using it as an example of why we should think her husband is innocent. I hear Camille Cosby asking 'who is the victim?' and I cringe inwardly. In this case, I do not understand how her denial can run so deep as to claim that over 20 women are making up the same story.(a story that isn't new to her since a case was settled in 2006 with Cosby which had 13 witnesses with similar stories, many of whom are coming forward now) Why say anything in this case? Why bully the victims of her husband and the victim in the UVA case? To many, it is very clear who the victim is, Camille Cosby and it is not your husband.
We want to believe that sexual predators look a certain way. It's hard to believe that they are often perfectly nice people in many areas of their lives. But, the reality is that many sexual predators are like Bill Cosby and like my coach. They are sometimes good parents, good friends and even 'role models'. They don't 'look' or 'act' scary and this makes it harder for us to believe and support victims. We do not want to believe people like our good 'father' figure, Bill Cosby or my 'fun' father figure, my coach are criminals in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This mantle of respectability and kindness give predators a great deal of power with victims and with the people around them. It contributes to burying allegations of sexual crimes and blaming the victim.
I think of the men and women who I know who have been sexually abused as I read this latest round of victim blaming. I think of people who have been abused by siblings, by acquaintances, by fathers, by strangers, by teachers and by coaches. I knew what it was like to love and respect a sexual predator. When, I found out he was a predator, my heart was broken. My feelings were so mixed up because I could not accept reality. Our culture refuses to accept the reality that men and women who are 'respectable' can be predators. We need to wake up.
When men and women come forward with sexual harassment or rape allegations, we need to confront those who immediately question and shame victims. We need to know that in spite of how someone may seem to us, they indeed may be sexual predators. Our culture is rife with examples of victim blaming that starts sometimes as simple as a 'boys with be boys' attitudes when girls are harassed in schools. It starts with something as simple as abuse of boys by women being laughed off and ignored. As victims, we need no longer remain silent. We need to fight back in ways that make things different for our children. All of us can no longer sit silently by and tolerate victim blaming or sexual abuse on any level.
I think of the men and women who I know who have been sexually abused as I read this latest round of victim blaming. I think of people who have been abused by siblings, by acquaintances, by fathers, by strangers, by teachers and by coaches. I knew what it was like to love and respect a sexual predator. When, I found out he was a predator, my heart was broken. My feelings were so mixed up because I could not accept reality. Our culture refuses to accept the reality that men and women who are 'respectable' can be predators. We need to wake up.
When men and women come forward with sexual harassment or rape allegations, we need to confront those who immediately question and shame victims. We need to know that in spite of how someone may seem to us, they indeed may be sexual predators. Our culture is rife with examples of victim blaming that starts sometimes as simple as a 'boys with be boys' attitudes when girls are harassed in schools. It starts with something as simple as abuse of boys by women being laughed off and ignored. As victims, we need no longer remain silent. We need to fight back in ways that make things different for our children. All of us can no longer sit silently by and tolerate victim blaming or sexual abuse on any level.
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