End of Year Letter with Just A Slight Edge of Gloom

The end of the year is a time for reflection.  I can look back at 2014 and see a lot of positives and a lot of negatives.  Right now, I am in a state of sadness about an ongoing situation in my life that seems to have no end and no resolution.  It is hard to muster up the New Year's cheer today.  For those that have followed my blog, it is related to My Daily Nightmare blog post and the sadness around all this feels like it is going to suck me under.  But, I will push forward and attempt to write and maybe find something in this year, in this day that is worth writing about.

This year was a year of firsts for my youngest, who continues to push forward in life with passion and determination.  First solo, first car and driver's license, first job, and first surgery.  Driving took her further away from us and closer to adulthood; it broke my heart a little, although I tried let go. Her incredible solo punctuated her love for dance and showed others how talented she really is(although I had known it all along, of course).  Tonsil surgery was brutal, but she made it through with a little help from many friends who helped her keep her mind off the pain.   She continues to push forward, much too fast, with much enthusiasm and energy. Her ability to see and create magic and beauty in the world inspires me every day.

Last year, about this time, I was getting ready for big toe joint fusion surgery.  This terrified me as 2 previous foot surgeries had been failures.  Although recovery wasn't easy, this surgery has actually been a success.  I no longer walk around with my big toe in constant and chronic pain.  With effort and a little pain, I was able to hike 3 miles last summer with my sister, niece and my youngest.  This would have been impossible before the surgery.  It's incredible how freeing and amazing it felt to have health insurance, get something taken care of and be able to do things, like yard work, that I had not been able to do for years.  I still deal with chronic foot and back pain, but at least that foot is somewhat better.

One of the most pivotal parts of the year for me was quitting a job which I hated with no 'safety' plan or back up in place.  This decision was one of the wisest decisions I have made although it continues to be terrifying.  I took the time to figure out what I wanted to do and learned how incredibly burned out I was by day to day client work and fighting with systems.  It is yet to be known whether it is a line of work that I will return to, but the break has been extremely helpful.  The break led me to writing again.  I started blogging and have absolutely loved it.  No matter what happens, I know that I did the right thing because the decision led me back to doing something I love, no matter where it leads(and a lot of bonding with  my little pack of dogs!!).

Most importantly, this year has been a year of helping people.  From helping my mom with recovery from knee surgery to helping my youngest recover from tonsil surgery, I was able to be there for my family. In March, we were blessed with a strange and unforeseen(long story) visit by a young man with mental health issues we had never met who had nowhere to go and did not know what to do. This young man was one of the most forgiving young people I ever met and he touched my heart. My partner, my youngest and I were able to be there for him in concrete ways that helped him get to the next place he needed to go.  I am always grateful for the opportunity to help my closed loved ones, but in this case, I was very touched by the three of us and our ability to come through for this young person we had never met.

Writing this blog post has shown me that sometimes, in writing, I realize the good things and can open up my own heart even in the midst of extremely trying circumstances.  There was more to this year: there was theft, filing a restraining order, a great road trip with my partner, a crazy bad camping trip, the loss of our family cabin and some of the upheaval that has plagued us for quite some time. But, the good still shines through: my partner finding a new hobby she was passionate about(fishing), me rekindling my love of writing, and my youngest continuing her amazing life journey and dedication to her passions.

As the Grateful Dead would say, it's been another long strange trip.  Most of my years are.  I am grateful that I found new friends this year to share my journey.  I am grateful for my family and my old friends who love me.  2015 will bring new journeys, heartaches and joys. All I can wish for is to continue growing as a parent and a person and continuing to help people through my writing and more.  Sometimes my heart feels too open, too broken down, and too much for this world, but somehow those little pieces of hope just help keep me pushing through.  Thanks to everyone who helps keep the pieces of my heart from flying apart. With all my love.