My Daily Nightmare

I live in a nightmare of daily worry and torment.  Someone I love deeply, who shall remain anonymous, struggles with daily physical and mental torment that daily makes this person want to die.  I struggle with my own demons, my own issues.  But, always, alongside this is a daily shadow of  my loved ones' struggle.  This darkness is deep as often it seems there is no hope.  The drugs that are out there don't help and life for this person becomes a monthly stream of trying new ones and then going through awful withdrawals to get off of them when they do not work.  I get angry when I see articles about people with mental illness that say that 'there is treatment out there'.  Is there?  For some, it doesn't seem that there is.  I know that my loved one's struggle is the struggle of millions and my struggle is the struggle of millions of loved ones.  Knowing we are not alone doesn't make it any easier.

Our system is woefully broken for these people.  All of us should have the chance to live and thrive. But, for some of us, that dream seems impossible.  Seeing dreams of the future slowly fade away is heartbreaking for our loved ones and those around them.  We see little options that haven't been tried. Seeing someone's main aspiration in life become living without unrelenting chronic pain, sleeping through the night and just being able to have a day of feeling at least somewhat o.k  seems so minimal, so sad for someone who has so much to offer this world.  But, everywhere we turn there are dead ends.  People tell us to act on behalf of our loved one, but they do not know how few the options are, how many have been tried and how many have failed.  They do not understand why the person cannot just get a job or go to school or live independently.  Our loved ones do not have the external image of someone with a severe developmental disability, but their disability is just as profound.  And for them, the options are fewer.

Other countries have more expanded options for people with mental health issues.  The Open Dialogue model in Finland is one that has proven success with less pharmaceutical intervention.  Our pharmaceutical lobby is so powerful that we often destroy the lives of people with mental health issues, treating them like guinea pigs when there are other interventions available that are never tried. Some medications are literally disabling, especially with long term use.  Community supports are often few.  People are often isolated in a peer group where they see the same issues all around them and learn helplessness. Programs are punitive to ensure 'medication compliance.  Mental health 'professionals' and doctors minimize the effect of withdrawal from psychiatric medications in spite of evidence to the contrary.  It is no surprise that in our country, there is a suicide every 13 minutes.  

My loved one and I live this daily nightmare with no hope in sight. There are thousands out there experiencing the same nightmare. I wish I had a magic wand to take away my loved ones' pain.  To fix everything so that she could blossom and grow and give to this world.  But, I don't.  And the extreme helplessness I feel follows me around like a demon. There has to be hope out there somewhere and we all must struggle on to find a better way.