Years ago, I suffered a loss so incomprehensible that I could not take the pain. I medicated myself with alcohol and tried to numb out the pain as much as possible. For years, my drinking was never 'out of control', just a daily evening dose of medicine to numb the pain. I started to feel this 'medicine''s effect on my mind and body and realized I had to do something or I would continue to numb myself into a slow death. In looking for 'help', I chose to try one of the only methods I knew of, Alcoholic's Anonymous. Although, my story was not the story of many 'in the program', I learned to do what people told me to do and 'look for similarities instead of differences' and slowly began to be slightly brainwashed by something that never quite 'fit' for me.
With lack of any other available options, I chose to go to a place where I was told this was the 'only solution' to my addiction. Before this, I wallowed around scared and alone, not knowing where to turn. I entered AA, vulnerable and sad. I did not know or understand that perhaps if I focused on my underlying grief and trauma issues, I could live a fuller life. Instead, I went in to something where alcohol and the 'ism' attached to it, became part of my 'character' in this insidious way. I struggled through in these rooms with concepts that never quite made sense to me.
I stayed because I love connecting with people; because I was lonely. I stayed because a gentle man worked through the steps with me in an openhearted way, patient and nonjudgmental about my questions. I started to heal a little, with time and with my own work, from the grief and pain that brought me here. I watched some 'get it' and take on this program with the fervor of a Southern preacher. And sadly, I watched some come in and out sad and vulnerable, thinking that no matter how much work they did, they just couldn't quite get it. Seeing these people who worked hard, but could not stay sober, broke my heart. It made me wonder if there was another way for some and that instead of saying 'it works if you work it', maybe the saying should be 'if it doesn't work try something else because your life depends on it'. I started to question, more and more. I started to question many of the steps as they did not fit with much that made sense to me on a deep level.
I went in with help for my addiction and was told I had a 'special type of personality', that my make up was vastly different from the 'normies', as they were called. This puzzled me as my experience showed me that anyone can become an addict and that many of these 'special' traits that were talked about were also experienced by people who were not addicts. My pain and grief had led me to numb out with an intoxicating substance. This did not make me unique or different from people who numb out in other socially acceptable ways like TV or video games. My trauma, my grief, my resentments were things that were universally felt by addicts and non addicts alike.
When I struggled with depression and anxiety, it filled me with deep discomfort to hear others in the 'rooms' say that AA was the only way and to scoff at therapy and psychiatry. These people were not the majority, but their attitude towards outside help could make a deeply vulnerable person ashamed that they could not deal with everything with AA and the 12 steps. They implied that someone who needed outside help was just not working the steps hard enough. I firmly believe that this is one of the most destructive aspects of AA and other offshoot 12 step programs. It could be literally killing people who need more help than the 'program' can offer them.
I now know, from my 4 years in and out of the program, that I saw the great value that came from connecting with others with similar problems. For some, the connection to faith and spirituality was life transforming. For others, it was a baffling puzzle that never made sense. I saw lives transformed in the 'program' and I saw others that floundered. Central to this floundering, at times, was this inability to 'get' the deeply patriarchal religious underpinnings of this program. For some of us, those ideas and concepts just do not work and trying to shame us into believing that they should is just wrong.
I knew what brought me here was deep pain; pain born of many traumas, many losses, much grief. This deep pain was often brushed over and disregarded as self pity, or 'terminal uniqueness'. I knew that these rooms were not addressing a lot of these deep pains or traumas. This questioning led me to being in these rooms feeling like my head was going to explode, but feeling I must because I was told I had to. I was told I had a 'progressive disease'. Some took this idea so far that they believe their diseased character will just get progressively worse even when clean from the substance. I was told that if I stopped coming, I was bound to 'relapse'. Furthermore, that it is a given with this disease, if I relapse I will start using the substance worse than I used to and probably end up dead, in prison or in an institution. I was not told that a great majority of people who have problems with alcohol somehow 'mature' out of it and either move on eventually to moderate drinking or abstinence with no AA or specialized alcohol treatment.
Being clean of this substance did not protect me from horrible pain. Being in these rooms did not take away mind numbing debilitating pain and depression. Seeing others, who had many years of 'sobriety' be just as unhealthy, sometimes more so, than the newcomer, spurred me towards more reflection on what this all meant to me, to others. Things become clear. A weight lifted, and I realized that I did have a choice. I could change my relationship with alcohol just as I had changed my relationship with food many years earlier. The 'rooms' were not what I needed, and I was now more aware of myself and knew that if I was drawn to self medication and numbing, that I might need something else, not some archaic program that made no sense to me. Not a higher power. But, my self will, harnessed and aligned and learning to fight for my own survival. My self will was not the enemy I heard it was. It was something that could actually save me; because without this 'self will', I would not be here today. Nor would I have survived all the traumas that led me here.
In this country, our treatment of addiction and mental health issues is woefully inadequate. For years, we have looked in the wrong direction with both, believing that 12 step models worked well(when the evidence clearly proved otherwise) for addiction and that pharmaceuticals were the answer for mental health issues. For both, it is my firm belief, that the key to both, in many cases, is unresolved trauma, loss, and grief. Further research has proven that it is also social connection and support networks that make the difference in both.(which, to me, shows why 12 step programs work for a lot of people) Years ago, I would talk to a friend about things I found on the Internet that were anti AA. Her question was why rail against AA? Why not just do your own thing and quit being so negative? For me, the answer is this: if there is just one person out there in the 'program' that hears what I say and feels less alone, then, I will have done what I set out to do. If there is anyone out there 'in the room's feeling like their head is going to explode, that they just can't 'get it', my message is clear: find other things that work. Therapy. Exercise. Positive social connections. Fight for your life. Find treatment for trauma. Find treatment for grief. You do not have to stay with something that doesn't feel right to you. There are other options. We,as a country, need to quit being so backward and recognize that addiction is a multi faceted experience with many answers. If we continue down the path we are going without looking deeper at many options, we will continue to see tragic deaths of people that truly believed they 'failed' at the one answer they had and that there were no other answers. Do we really want these deaths on our hands?
Showing posts with label trauma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trauma. Show all posts
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Trauma's Long Term Wounding
Several months ago, I was embroiled in a bit of a family drama. I received a vicious e-mail from a cousin, who I do not know, about one of my blog posts. This blog post expressed my love for experiences we had at our beloved family cabin, but also expressed hurt that the cabin was gone. Having someone completely belittle my experience and viciously attack me about a heartfelt blog post, made me sick and sad. Knowing that 'family' could be this heartless and unkind made me sick to my stomach. It also triggered old traumas, old hurts.
Since rape and domestic violence in my late teens and early 20's, I have suffered from PTSD. More than 20 years later, at times, I expect this hurt, this pain, that I carry deep within my body, to be gone. I often don't realize how easily triggered I am, nor recognize when I begin to shut down. The e-mail that I received and the actions of other family members in this same clan made me question myself, made me shut down and hide. I felt overwhelmed and felt that I had no worth. The same feelings and insidious messages my abuser had instilled in me. I recently read that one symptom of PTSD is the feeling that your world is about to fall down around you at any moment. One trigger can set me into this feeling and throw me into complete panic. With the events that happened back in February, I have slowly begun to realize how easily I am still triggered. Abuse and trauma never completely go away.
Many traditions and philosophies have a message of 'acceptance', of learning to accept those things we cannot change. This philosophy, while helpful for some, can be harmful at times for those of us who have suffered from abuse. When we have the type of body trauma and anxiety that comes from deeply abusive and invasive experiences, it is really hard to accept those things we cannot change. It can take years to heal from traumatic experiences and jumping to 'acceptance' or 'forgiveness' can, at times, suppress the real healing that comes from feeling the rage, the sadness, and the loss of innocence and trust.
With each trigger, I learn that my trauma lies deep within my body, mind and spirit. I wonder about the very public victims we have heard about the past year: the women who were raped by Cosby, the young victims of Josh Duggar, the many victims of campus rape, the ex-wife of Bill O'Reilly, and more. How are they faring? Are they easily triggered? Do they shy away from intimacy and struggle with this many years later? Do they have a hard time trusting anyone? Do they carry their trauma as wounds to their souls and have they been given a chance to heal? My heart hurts for them. This long term hurting and healing is often forgotten in discussions about sexual and domestic violence. Media doesn't focus on the fact that abuse is a wound on the victims' soul, a wound that can be re-opened, that can refuse to heal. Sometimes, they talk about the hypocrisy of the perpetrator, but we forget that years later, there are still victims of these crimes that are facing ongoing life-changing hurt.
I also feel deep sympathy for 'public' victims as they not only have their own trauma from the abuse, they are also re-traumatized by people in the media who minimize their pain. The media has been rife with examples of this cultural need to require victims to shut up, accept, forgive and move on. We hear public figures call abuse ' a mistake' while trying to minimize the impact, the deep hurt that the victims are subject to for the rest of their lives. My call to the media, to public figures who speak out, is to think before you speak, think of the victim and the trauma they endure and then re-endure when their abuse is made public by choice or by chance. My call to all of us is to be kind, to think about the impact that your mere words can have on someones life, be it a nasty e-mail or a hateful comment on social media. There are so many of us out here, wounded and trying to heal. We could do with more compassion and a little less judgment and denial.
I feel my trauma deep in my mind, my body and soul. I have worked hard to heal. But, that trauma is still there, at times, lurking beneath the surface. Sometimes I don't even recognize it when my wound is re-opened and raw. This wound is not visible to the outside, but it is there nonetheless. There are millions of us walking around with similar wounds that at times become infected and life threatening be it through suppression and minimization of pain or through new abusive and hurtful experiences. All of us need to do more to prevent our lives and our children's lives from being shattered by abuse. We need to stand up to those who want to shut us up, who want to deny our experience. As we all work to prevent and heal from abuse, we need to hold our hearts open for others who are hurt and wounded. Remember that our trauma is a long term wound and that we must be gentle with ourselves to move forward. Together, we can heal, grow, and work towards a world where abuse is rare, not common, and those traumatized are supported, not suppressed and re-traumatized.
Since rape and domestic violence in my late teens and early 20's, I have suffered from PTSD. More than 20 years later, at times, I expect this hurt, this pain, that I carry deep within my body, to be gone. I often don't realize how easily triggered I am, nor recognize when I begin to shut down. The e-mail that I received and the actions of other family members in this same clan made me question myself, made me shut down and hide. I felt overwhelmed and felt that I had no worth. The same feelings and insidious messages my abuser had instilled in me. I recently read that one symptom of PTSD is the feeling that your world is about to fall down around you at any moment. One trigger can set me into this feeling and throw me into complete panic. With the events that happened back in February, I have slowly begun to realize how easily I am still triggered. Abuse and trauma never completely go away.
Many traditions and philosophies have a message of 'acceptance', of learning to accept those things we cannot change. This philosophy, while helpful for some, can be harmful at times for those of us who have suffered from abuse. When we have the type of body trauma and anxiety that comes from deeply abusive and invasive experiences, it is really hard to accept those things we cannot change. It can take years to heal from traumatic experiences and jumping to 'acceptance' or 'forgiveness' can, at times, suppress the real healing that comes from feeling the rage, the sadness, and the loss of innocence and trust.
With each trigger, I learn that my trauma lies deep within my body, mind and spirit. I wonder about the very public victims we have heard about the past year: the women who were raped by Cosby, the young victims of Josh Duggar, the many victims of campus rape, the ex-wife of Bill O'Reilly, and more. How are they faring? Are they easily triggered? Do they shy away from intimacy and struggle with this many years later? Do they have a hard time trusting anyone? Do they carry their trauma as wounds to their souls and have they been given a chance to heal? My heart hurts for them. This long term hurting and healing is often forgotten in discussions about sexual and domestic violence. Media doesn't focus on the fact that abuse is a wound on the victims' soul, a wound that can be re-opened, that can refuse to heal. Sometimes, they talk about the hypocrisy of the perpetrator, but we forget that years later, there are still victims of these crimes that are facing ongoing life-changing hurt.
I also feel deep sympathy for 'public' victims as they not only have their own trauma from the abuse, they are also re-traumatized by people in the media who minimize their pain. The media has been rife with examples of this cultural need to require victims to shut up, accept, forgive and move on. We hear public figures call abuse ' a mistake' while trying to minimize the impact, the deep hurt that the victims are subject to for the rest of their lives. My call to the media, to public figures who speak out, is to think before you speak, think of the victim and the trauma they endure and then re-endure when their abuse is made public by choice or by chance. My call to all of us is to be kind, to think about the impact that your mere words can have on someones life, be it a nasty e-mail or a hateful comment on social media. There are so many of us out here, wounded and trying to heal. We could do with more compassion and a little less judgment and denial.
I feel my trauma deep in my mind, my body and soul. I have worked hard to heal. But, that trauma is still there, at times, lurking beneath the surface. Sometimes I don't even recognize it when my wound is re-opened and raw. This wound is not visible to the outside, but it is there nonetheless. There are millions of us walking around with similar wounds that at times become infected and life threatening be it through suppression and minimization of pain or through new abusive and hurtful experiences. All of us need to do more to prevent our lives and our children's lives from being shattered by abuse. We need to stand up to those who want to shut us up, who want to deny our experience. As we all work to prevent and heal from abuse, we need to hold our hearts open for others who are hurt and wounded. Remember that our trauma is a long term wound and that we must be gentle with ourselves to move forward. Together, we can heal, grow, and work towards a world where abuse is rare, not common, and those traumatized are supported, not suppressed and re-traumatized.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Addiction: Looking Deeper
Since my teen years, I have fought a battle between doing what I know is 'healthy' for me and doing things that I know are decidedly not. What is it about some of us humans that we yearn for those moments of peace and calm that certain substances and behaviors give us even when we know they are killing us? Whether it be killing our body and our minds with alcohol, nicotine or other drugs or killing our minds with endless gaming and TV watching, many of us cannot stop that call to escape 'reality'.
Those of us that are on that razor thin line between the two choices are often judged for not trying hard enough. Others are baffled at why one continues behaviors that harm themselves and sometimes others. They are appalled at those who deal with grave health consequences while continuing the substance that is causing the problem. Many assume, wrongly, that one form of 'treatment' should fit for everyone and those who are not helped by the treatment are not working hard enough or doing it right. Others assume, also wrongly, that someone should just be able to quit with no problem. They have no idea the internal pain that people go through; the strong internal desire to live coupled with the equally strong desire to numb while slowly dying.
I ponder why some of us can commit to being healthy and go for it with no problem. I ponder why a very large percentage of people quit addictions like alcohol and cigarettes with absolutely no support or help when some of us can't seem to figure it out even when we do have support and resources to quit. I ponder why some of us easily embrace programs and groups that work for us, while some of us can't help but look at those programs with a cynical distrust that diminishes their value to us.
Growing older, I have watched people struggle with horrible addiction only to be 'scared straight' by near death experiences or brushes with the law. They seem to brush themselves on and move on, never seeming to crave the drug that was killing them before. I have watched people with horrible addictions benefit from 12 step programs that truly transform their lives. Conversely, I have seen people who are 'in' and 'out' of 12 step programs, never seeming to commit to health and sobriety. I have seen people truly look at their addictions and rid themselves of their addiction by discovering what works for them, be it therapy, in-depth trauma work, and even finding healthy hobbies.
I ponder my big heart, my depression, my sadness, my anger, my empathy. I realize that all of those things have led me to substances that help me 'escape' from this world. My journey has led me from 'alternative' therapies, traditional therapies and various support and 12 step groups. In many cases, all of these things have 'helped' in their way. Still, I cannot seem to fully commit myself to completely ridding myself of self destructive behaviors. Somehow, I still have that addict thought in my head that the benefits outweigh the risks. With a substance like tobacco, we all know that thinking is ridiculous! For those of us addicted to substances, there is also the overwhelming fear of the pain of detox. Although I am not actively engaged in old addictions like eating disorders or alcoholism, I am still a slave to a substance. And that thought is incredibly frustrating!
I wonder what the answer is for myself and others. And I realize, from watching people die or slowly kill themselves and from watching people get sober and thrive that the answer lies within each person. We must let go of the idea that there is 'one' answer for treating addiction. Behind addiction is trauma, is fear, is mental illness, is sadness, is self hatred, and more. Addressing those core issues or not, holds the key to life and moving forward. Addiction holds a different message for each of us and the trick is trying to overcome the physical hold of addiction while also addressing the reasons hidden underneath it.
For me, the learning continues. Each of my major addictions carried some major growth when I finally decided to heal and address them. It is my hope, for me and others, that people see addiction for what it is, instead of seeing it as a moral failing and look at addicts with compassion, instead of judgment. Perhaps my biggest hope and observation traveling this path is that we need to open our minds and hearts to different options of helping people; that we no longer assume someone wasn't 'working' hard enough if something didn't work for them. If we cannot open our minds to many options, instead of few, people will continue dying horrible deaths from addiction. For myself, I hope that I can continue to learn to be present in this world without feeling the need to escape, the urge to destruct.
Those of us that are on that razor thin line between the two choices are often judged for not trying hard enough. Others are baffled at why one continues behaviors that harm themselves and sometimes others. They are appalled at those who deal with grave health consequences while continuing the substance that is causing the problem. Many assume, wrongly, that one form of 'treatment' should fit for everyone and those who are not helped by the treatment are not working hard enough or doing it right. Others assume, also wrongly, that someone should just be able to quit with no problem. They have no idea the internal pain that people go through; the strong internal desire to live coupled with the equally strong desire to numb while slowly dying.
I ponder why some of us can commit to being healthy and go for it with no problem. I ponder why a very large percentage of people quit addictions like alcohol and cigarettes with absolutely no support or help when some of us can't seem to figure it out even when we do have support and resources to quit. I ponder why some of us easily embrace programs and groups that work for us, while some of us can't help but look at those programs with a cynical distrust that diminishes their value to us.
Growing older, I have watched people struggle with horrible addiction only to be 'scared straight' by near death experiences or brushes with the law. They seem to brush themselves on and move on, never seeming to crave the drug that was killing them before. I have watched people with horrible addictions benefit from 12 step programs that truly transform their lives. Conversely, I have seen people who are 'in' and 'out' of 12 step programs, never seeming to commit to health and sobriety. I have seen people truly look at their addictions and rid themselves of their addiction by discovering what works for them, be it therapy, in-depth trauma work, and even finding healthy hobbies.
I ponder my big heart, my depression, my sadness, my anger, my empathy. I realize that all of those things have led me to substances that help me 'escape' from this world. My journey has led me from 'alternative' therapies, traditional therapies and various support and 12 step groups. In many cases, all of these things have 'helped' in their way. Still, I cannot seem to fully commit myself to completely ridding myself of self destructive behaviors. Somehow, I still have that addict thought in my head that the benefits outweigh the risks. With a substance like tobacco, we all know that thinking is ridiculous! For those of us addicted to substances, there is also the overwhelming fear of the pain of detox. Although I am not actively engaged in old addictions like eating disorders or alcoholism, I am still a slave to a substance. And that thought is incredibly frustrating!
I wonder what the answer is for myself and others. And I realize, from watching people die or slowly kill themselves and from watching people get sober and thrive that the answer lies within each person. We must let go of the idea that there is 'one' answer for treating addiction. Behind addiction is trauma, is fear, is mental illness, is sadness, is self hatred, and more. Addressing those core issues or not, holds the key to life and moving forward. Addiction holds a different message for each of us and the trick is trying to overcome the physical hold of addiction while also addressing the reasons hidden underneath it.
For me, the learning continues. Each of my major addictions carried some major growth when I finally decided to heal and address them. It is my hope, for me and others, that people see addiction for what it is, instead of seeing it as a moral failing and look at addicts with compassion, instead of judgment. Perhaps my biggest hope and observation traveling this path is that we need to open our minds and hearts to different options of helping people; that we no longer assume someone wasn't 'working' hard enough if something didn't work for them. If we cannot open our minds to many options, instead of few, people will continue dying horrible deaths from addiction. For myself, I hope that I can continue to learn to be present in this world without feeling the need to escape, the urge to destruct.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Our Trauma Lives
As you leave jail today, you leave the place that kept us safe from your harassment for a blessed 6 months of not worrying about what lies around the corner or on the other end of a phone.
The legacy of trauma that you left our little family lives.
It lives in the sleepless nights of one you traumatized. It lives in the ways that I learned to numb myself. It lives in dreams deferred. It lives in our anxieties, in our sadness, anger and depression. It lives in the ways that we have all learned to protect ourselves in our own unique ways. Sometimes we learn healthy ways and other times, we don't. We shut down, we get ill, we get tense, we get angry.
And it's a funny thing about trauma, I think that I have moved on and found peace. Then, something hits me and my rage and resentment comes back. It comes back and consumes me. I try to breathe and let go. Forgiveness does not come easy. I know that holding on to that rage is only punishing me, but it comes, without warning. Then, if I am not aware of it and work through it, it turns into all consuming depression.
The legacy of trauma that you left us lives.
It lives in our strength sometimes. The passion and creativity that one of us has used to heal and dance through the pain. It lives in the beautiful writing and creativity of the other. It lives in my ability to help others through that pain when they are going through similar issues. It lives in my deep respect and compassion for others. My deep pain has opened my heart to others in a way that it might not have opened without the trauma. It has given our girls an awareness of others struggles and with that, compassion and respect. They have not let that trauma turn into hatred. Instead, they love others with open hearts. Their trust of others may not be completely intact, but at least they can still love deeply. You have not completely destroyed our tender hearts.
The legacy of trauma that you left us lives.
But, we will not let it take us down. We will keep putting one foot in the other. We will dance through it. We will write through it. We will love each other through it. We will take the ugliness and transform it into something beautiful.
You will not destroy us. We will not let you.
The legacy of trauma that you left our little family lives.
It lives in the sleepless nights of one you traumatized. It lives in the ways that I learned to numb myself. It lives in dreams deferred. It lives in our anxieties, in our sadness, anger and depression. It lives in the ways that we have all learned to protect ourselves in our own unique ways. Sometimes we learn healthy ways and other times, we don't. We shut down, we get ill, we get tense, we get angry.
And it's a funny thing about trauma, I think that I have moved on and found peace. Then, something hits me and my rage and resentment comes back. It comes back and consumes me. I try to breathe and let go. Forgiveness does not come easy. I know that holding on to that rage is only punishing me, but it comes, without warning. Then, if I am not aware of it and work through it, it turns into all consuming depression.
The legacy of trauma that you left us lives.
It lives in our strength sometimes. The passion and creativity that one of us has used to heal and dance through the pain. It lives in the beautiful writing and creativity of the other. It lives in my ability to help others through that pain when they are going through similar issues. It lives in my deep respect and compassion for others. My deep pain has opened my heart to others in a way that it might not have opened without the trauma. It has given our girls an awareness of others struggles and with that, compassion and respect. They have not let that trauma turn into hatred. Instead, they love others with open hearts. Their trust of others may not be completely intact, but at least they can still love deeply. You have not completely destroyed our tender hearts.
The legacy of trauma that you left us lives.
But, we will not let it take us down. We will keep putting one foot in the other. We will dance through it. We will write through it. We will love each other through it. We will take the ugliness and transform it into something beautiful.
You will not destroy us. We will not let you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)